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Maybe Facebook Doesn’t Suck. Maybe We Suck.
Remember somewhere around ten years ago when you excitedly signed up for that new thing called ‘Facebook’?
Remember the first time you saw that girl that you had a crush on in high school or that guy that you knew was ‘the one’, but never noticed you?
Besides, he was always taken anyway.
OH!…it doesn’t look like either one are spoken for now, and you’ve been hitting the gym and have really come into your own!
You guys should probably friend request them to see if they’re single!
And there’s that dude who was always sort of an arrogant douche back in college.
Doesn’t seem like life turned out the way he thought, huh?
Uh oh – he friend requested you!
Oh well…it’s been a long time, go ahead and accept…he’s probably chill now.
HEY LOOK! Someone made a page for that roller rink that you used to go to!
Remember couples skating to ‘Open Arms’ from Journey?
What was the name of that hot chick that always wore the pink satin pants?
OH! OH!…and who was that Leif Garrett lookin’ guy that was so impressed with his shuffle?
Hmm..Satin Pants Chick is just okay now and twice divorced?
I bet she wouldn’t reject you now, bro!
You should start talking to her and see where things go.
Friend request SENT!
Wait…that dork that was in your gym class is an angel investor for Silicon Valley start ups and drives a Lambo?
You should probably send him a friend request and act like you always thought he was a cool dude!
He’ll just be happy that someone as cool as you were is friending him now.
Man! Look at the life that guy that used to hang at your favorite bar is living!
You never liked him back in the day, but look at him now!!
Beach house, boat, tons of friends on his friend list.
Friend request SENT!
It’s amazing how cool everyone turned out to be, isn’t it?
Everyone is so mellow and adult. Remember how drama filled everyone was back in the day?
Hell, even the people that you never got along with are amazingly normal people now!
This is like the greatest reunion…EVER!
That one arrogant douche guy is suddenly calling Democrats ‘Libtards‘.
Wait a minute….YOU’RE a Democrat, bro!
He actually hasn’t changed at all!! You should go tell him that you might be a ‘Libtard’, but at least you aren’t a racist ass!!
That’ll show him!
In fact, you should probably show everyone where you stand on these issues!
Fire off an ‘Open Letter’…or maybe share a bunch of stuff from Daily Wire or Occupy Democrats depending on what flavor Kool-Aid is your favorite.
And do this EVERY…DAY.
Don’t even bother to have a proprietary thought or notice that no one comments on the things you’re sharing…it’s just because they can’t handle how you keep it 100%.
OH!…OH!…and maybe share a meme about how you keep it 100% and how haters don’t like it because your’e so ‘real’.
People respect that from middle aged people! It doesn’t make you seem like an edgy teen at all!
It’ll let them know to tread lightly around you!
Whoa! That dude that you thought was ‘the one’ just sent you pics of his dick!
Why would he do something like that?
Especially considering what you’re looking at right now?
Boy, were you wrong about him, sister!
Oh no…there’s another one!
Oh shit, it’s a video!
Wait…why is he doing that and sending it to a virtual stranger???
Wouldn’t it be great if he didn’t know your name again?
Goddammit!! Satin pants chick really needs to shut the fuck up about her religion and morals!
Every damn day with that shit!
Does she think you forgot about all the cocaine she used to do, and the time she had sex with three guys in one night?
Where was her Jesus then, huh?
Where were her morals when she was being arrested for drug possession and assault?
And who is this overly wordy fucker??
Does he really think I’m gonna read all that?
That guy was always a douche anyway.
Wait….why the hell is your Roller Skating page ranting about Russian Collusion?
That’s not why you joined the page!
You didn’t skate to Billy Squier’s ‘The Stormy’, you skated to ‘The Stroke’!
Who the fuck is Paul Manafort?
Was that Shufflin’ Leif Garrett’s real name?
NO, you don’t need to have a dialogue about race. You’re not a racist.
Racists are racist. And they don’t care about dialogues.
NO, you don’t need to talk to your son about not raping young women. You didn’t raise him to do so.
Rapists are rapists and they don’t care about what’s right.
NO, You’re not an awful human being if you’re fine with someone living their life the way they want, but you personally believe that if they have a penis they’re genetically a male. You just have an opinion and aren’t messing with their pursuit of happiness.
What? NO, you don’t care what everyone is ‘outraged’ about today, your day is going pretty good actually. Twitter sucks anyway.
Besides, you remember when hashtags were a pound sign, and they were less annoying that way!
NO, changing your profile picture to your favorite cartoon as a child doesn’t end child abuse…but still, ‘Captain Caveman‘ rocked!
That kid dying of cancer really doesn’t give a shit if you share his pic, he’s got bigger problems.
NO, you’re not going to come into money if you share that pic of money. You’re just going to come into dumb.
You went on a date with that guy with the beach house and boat?
What do you mean they weren’t his? Oh…he just made it look that way on his page, huh?
Damn, and you fell for it?
Well you probably should have squashed it when you realized that it wasn’t even a current profile pic, I guess.
Hey, at least you figured it out before you had sex with hi….OH.
Fuck, I’m so sorry you were taken by a game of Show & Don’t Tell.
What’s that? You finally found Shufflin’ Leif Garrett and he’s a drug crazed, racist ass?
Did you see where his woman accused him of beating her the other night?
It’s all deleted now, but I swear, you should have seen the thread!
He’s not what he seemed like at all!
NONE of them are what they seemed like at all!!
Well, except for Lambo guy, but he doesn’t really interact much with you.
It’s like he knows you were never really nice to him, and doesn’t really know why you’re bothering now.
Or maybe he does.
Maybe THAT’S why he’s not reciprocating the sudden camaraderie and adoration.
It’s almost like the only people you actually get along with are the people that you always got along with in ‘real life‘.
Isn’t that weird?
The ones whose phone numbers you have in your cell phone.
The ones whom you’ve maintained contact with all these years.
The ones you’ve met out for drinks or double dated with.
The ones who attended your wedding, who were on your side after your divorce, and actually know your kids.
The ones you know share your outlook on life. Not necessarily your politics, but what you feel makes one a good person.
It’s almost like one could say that they’re your real friends or something, and these other people are just names you recognized from long ago.
I mean sure, they aren’t all bad, and you’ve even made some new decent friends, right?
But those other people? Well they just didn’t behave the way you wanted them to, and they certainly weren’t who you told yourself they were all those years ago, or who you thought they might have stopped being back when you didn’t like them much at all.
Wait…and what if some of them think that way about…..you?
Why….something like that could make you realize that not everyone is meant to be…friends.
And that that doesn’t make someone a bad person, but just not your kind of person.
NAAAAHHHHH…..this just made us realize that Facebook sucks!
Facebook tricked us into not being as circumspect with our ‘friends’ as we are with our…friends.
Or maybe Facebook just sat there as just another ‘www‘.
Maybe WE made it suck.
Can’t be that.
And so does Russian compromised Shufflin’ Leif Garrett hair guy AND his unsecured email server!
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